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I took this picture a month ago, when I excitedly announced to Jason that we were expecting again. I always wanted to tell him in some really cute way. In all truthfullness, I have never made it out of the bathroom with the test before blurting it out. This time I wanted it to be different. Special. With consideration for all that he has been through I wanted him to have a pleasant surprise for a change. He came home and saw the cupcakes and a note that read, "Thanks for always keeping me 'POSITIVE'!" The look on his face was enough for me. A genuine look of excitement. For anyone who truly loves, to see your spouse with that "look" it sends a jolt through your body. Our new family adventure began that day.
Sadly, that adventure ended today. Just shy of eight weeks long, it was a cautiously hopeful time. I have to thank my dad for injecting into my DNA his "Pollyanna" attitude. If he hadn't given me that genetic gift yesterday would have ruined me. After a night of wrestling with the idea of going to the ER, or waiting it out I decided at 11 am to go to the ER in the town where I live. My symptoms had increased and my doctor was out of town. I marched into the ER, the only patient in sight, with my mother's "get it done" attitude. I gave my information with zero emotion. I hate being a patient! The ER tech tried to draw blood. It was a decent effort given the fact that I had already had two sticks on that arm in 48 hours, and I was dehydrated. The PA came in and asked if I was in any pain. Do that have medicine for a mother losing another child? Is there a pill for a dying dream? The words came out of my mouth, "no, i'm fine." This is the point where I wonder why my mouth betrays me. I routinely allow all the questions, probes, pokes, and comments to wash over me. There is really nothing anyone can do to hurt me. I am starting to realize that a pity-party is forming in my heart. Its like a weight. I think off all the negative experiences that I have had in the last year and a half. I wonder what I did, what I need to learn, where I can change. Lighting strikes! Mindy, I have to actually say my own name, what about all the GOOD that happened this year. What about all the POSTIVES of this year. There are so many and they outweigh all the negative. I literally have to stand back from myself and look at the picture. Right now it feels like I am staring dead in front of a Monet. Its disgusting to look at, the colors make no sense and the balance is off. Of course, if I step back its a " A Pathway in Monet's Garden at Giverny". Rows of beatiful moments shadow a path that I am walking. Am I sad? Yes! Am I down for the count? DEFINETLY NOT! There are so many bright days that a day of rain is no match for. The sun shines again and to quote my mother, "Tomorrow is a new day!" All I have to say is I'm in the mood for tomorrow.