One Week

I want to use my blog as the forum for telling as many of you as I can that we really appreciate all the kind emails, comments, and sweet thoughts that have come to us in the last week. It has been a really hard, but great week, filled with really sweet moments but some especially difficult lows. On Monday, what I refer to as my "monumental worst day" we had to go to the funeral home and select Joseph's casket and headstone. I wanted to go for nothing more than to be close to my son. They gave us back the blanket he had been swaddled in and they dressed him in clothing that was hand-made by a very thoughtful woman. As you can imagine this was tough. The worst part came after we had made all the arrangements and I started to have a panic attack in the mortuary. My chest hurt so intensely and the room started to spin. I ran for the closest exit. All I could do was sit in my van and bawl. I started to wish that I could talk to Natalie. Luckily, she was thinking of me too and my phone rang. Her sweet tone and kind words were exactly what I needed. When I got home I just had to sleep and thankfully Jason was able to field and make calls. He has become more beloved to me than ANYTHING. I always knew that I loved Jason. Now I know that Jason owns my heart. I think that is another post all on its own :).
Tuesday, we buried Joseph. I couldn't handle the thought of this event to I asked Jason to come with me to the Temple. I wanted to feel light all around me. Goodness, grace and God's mercy was what I needed to feel, and I felt that there. I love my faith, and I am so grateful for my parents giving me the seeds of my faith. I don't think that without it I could handle this experience. I don't know any other person better than God, who lost His beloved son, to walk this path with me. He has carried me, and at times instructed my heart. After, the Temple Jason and I went to the garveside and put down white roses. I did better than I thought I would.
Wedensday, Michael was extremely sick high grade fever, vomitting, and well other less plesant stuff. Oddly, I was so happy to hold him and care for him. Michael's sickness reminded me that, while I should be gentle with my expectations of myself, that I do have three other children and they need their mother. Wedensday was my turning point. God would worry about healing my heart, and I will find a new normal.
Thursday, I spent the day on my newest obession, trying to find the right sculpture, painting, picture, or craft item that I can have to memorialize Joseph. This is a common stage with grieving mothers, obesessing over making sure that your child's memory is never forgotten. Jason and I have decided that those who love us will remember him, but we don't expect them to make as big of a deal out of him as us. I found some really great things and got some wonderful ideas. It was my first time out of the house without Jason, and that was scary. Which surprised me. I love people that is why I chose the profession that I am in, but now the thought of people makes me nervous. I'm sure that to is a grief stage. I hope so. I had to call Jason half way through shopping, which I now don't care for either-Jason's pretty cool with that though. I hated bothering him at work. He had a nasty little deadline, and I didn't want to bother him. He was great about it, of course, I went home after that. I just needed to be in my safe place.
Friday, I went to the florist and got some new flowers for Joseph's graveside. I was happy to be greeted by a baby butterfly that was floating around Joseph's site. I cried, and thanked him for giving me the gift of being his mother. I talked to him for awhile and then drove home. I left with my heart smiling. That's a good day.


That's pretty much what we have done this week. We are again very grateful for the sweet thoughts that have been shared with us. Our hearts are mending and we are finding immense comfort in your support. I truly think that each one of us are God's hands to do for others what He would want. Thanks for putting those hands into action for my family.