Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Happy Birthday JASON :)

I know that I am late posting this since his birthday was Saturday July 25th, buuut in my defense we have been super busy (at least thats my story ;)) .
Saturday, Jason celebrated his 31st birthday with a super fancy breakfast made by, who else? McDonald's! Anyone who knows Jason knows that he has a deep rooted love for the Sausage McMuffin, much like egg McEdwards. We had lots of fun eating our breakfast and then Jason opened presents. He was so funny to watch open presents, because I'm pretty sure that after 13 years of getting gifts from me he knows what I am going to buy him, lol! He acted surprised. His sister Barbara watched the boys so we could go to The Boondocks and play. We mini-golfed and Jason on his last swing got the golf ball in the kimono dragons mouth and it spit out fire. It was truly awesome. Then we went inside and rode the 4-d roller coaster. As if all that wasn't enough we had gotten some free token so we played video games and Jason won big on Deal or No Deal. I thought it was impossible for the day to get any better, but sure enough Jason took me, on HIS birthday to my favorite scrapbooking store. He truly amazes me everyday. The last thing that I would want to do on my birthday is watch international soccer, but maybe this year i'll have to give it a try since he was so generous with his day.
Through out all our many ups and downs these past few weeks Jason has shown me more love and compassion than I every imagined a human body could demonstrate. He has wrestled with three boys, made dinner, cleaned house, washed laundry, fielded phone calls, organized childcare, confirmed dr. appointments, held me while I cried (countless hours were spent in this pursuit), all this while still maintaining his normal work schedule, and working out his own grief. I always knew that Jason was someone special. There has never been a doubt in my mind that he was perfect for me, but feeling a little like Lois Lane, I never realized that he was a Superman until he showed me. Thanks Jason for all your love and strength! I hope you had a WONDERFUL birthday, and I hope to share many more with you :)


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Learning every day

The last three weeks have been a beautiful blur. My heart feels wonderfully buffered by my support system. I read this list today and thought of all the essential truth it provides. I wish I would have taken it to heart sooner:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

My new heart, the one God gave me after the other one broke :), tells me that its okay to have a simple pleasure kind of life. Before Joseph died I was so focused on all the "stuff" that I had added to my days. Mainly good things: job, kids, church callings, extra kid stuff (soccer, tball, swim lessons, etc), housekeeping, personal enrichment, and anything else I could cram in there. These things in addition to the other things in my life were where I derived a sense of satisfaction for a job well done, or better yet, they made me feel accomplished. After Joseph died I was laying in the hospital bed and all I wanted was my boys. My arms literally ached for them. I wanted to feel their hands in mine, or their small voices whispering " i love you". I wanted to kiss Sam's chubby fingers, enjoy the breadth of Michael's smile, and feel the comfort of Jarom's hugs. My new heart knows that my smallest treasures are my greatest joys. I am re-evaluating the important things to me. I think everyone does this now and again. I feel like that is what is great about the life God gave us you can change your mind or your course however, and whenever you want. I hope that I can look back at this experience in my life in five, ten, or fifteen years from now and say, "that is when I started living my BEST life."
I think that's Joseph's legacy to our family. What a great gift!!!!!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

One Week

I want to use my blog as the forum for telling as many of you as I can that we really appreciate all the kind emails, comments, and sweet thoughts that have come to us in the last week. It has been a really hard, but great week, filled with really sweet moments but some especially difficult lows. On Monday, what I refer to as my "monumental worst day" we had to go to the funeral home and select Joseph's casket and headstone. I wanted to go for nothing more than to be close to my son. They gave us back the blanket he had been swaddled in and they dressed him in clothing that was hand-made by a very thoughtful woman. As you can imagine this was tough. The worst part came after we had made all the arrangements and I started to have a panic attack in the mortuary. My chest hurt so intensely and the room started to spin. I ran for the closest exit. All I could do was sit in my van and bawl. I started to wish that I could talk to Natalie. Luckily, she was thinking of me too and my phone rang. Her sweet tone and kind words were exactly what I needed. When I got home I just had to sleep and thankfully Jason was able to field and make calls. He has become more beloved to me than ANYTHING. I always knew that I loved Jason. Now I know that Jason owns my heart. I think that is another post all on its own :).
Tuesday, we buried Joseph. I couldn't handle the thought of this event to I asked Jason to come with me to the Temple. I wanted to feel light all around me. Goodness, grace and God's mercy was what I needed to feel, and I felt that there. I love my faith, and I am so grateful for my parents giving me the seeds of my faith. I don't think that without it I could handle this experience. I don't know any other person better than God, who lost His beloved son, to walk this path with me. He has carried me, and at times instructed my heart. After, the Temple Jason and I went to the garveside and put down white roses. I did better than I thought I would.
Wedensday, Michael was extremely sick high grade fever, vomitting, and well other less plesant stuff. Oddly, I was so happy to hold him and care for him. Michael's sickness reminded me that, while I should be gentle with my expectations of myself, that I do have three other children and they need their mother. Wedensday was my turning point. God would worry about healing my heart, and I will find a new normal.
Thursday, I spent the day on my newest obession, trying to find the right sculpture, painting, picture, or craft item that I can have to memorialize Joseph. This is a common stage with grieving mothers, obesessing over making sure that your child's memory is never forgotten. Jason and I have decided that those who love us will remember him, but we don't expect them to make as big of a deal out of him as us. I found some really great things and got some wonderful ideas. It was my first time out of the house without Jason, and that was scary. Which surprised me. I love people that is why I chose the profession that I am in, but now the thought of people makes me nervous. I'm sure that to is a grief stage. I hope so. I had to call Jason half way through shopping, which I now don't care for either-Jason's pretty cool with that though. I hated bothering him at work. He had a nasty little deadline, and I didn't want to bother him. He was great about it, of course, I went home after that. I just needed to be in my safe place.
Friday, I went to the florist and got some new flowers for Joseph's graveside. I was happy to be greeted by a baby butterfly that was floating around Joseph's site. I cried, and thanked him for giving me the gift of being his mother. I talked to him for awhile and then drove home. I left with my heart smiling. That's a good day.

That's pretty much what we have done this week. We are again very grateful for the sweet thoughts that have been shared with us. Our hearts are mending and we are finding immense comfort in your support. I truly think that each one of us are God's hands to do for others what He would want. Thanks for putting those hands into action for my family.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Joseph David Lee Edwards

July 3, 2009
12:15 p.m.
4.2 oz

I tried to find a good image, and given his size I didn't want to offend any of our viewers. I wanted to first write and say thank you to all of Jason's siblings for allowing us to bury Joseph at the head of Grandma and Grandpa Edwards grave. I don't think that you can comprehend the measure of comfort that this provides knowing that he isn't just out there all by himself. I know his spirit is with them so it seemed appropriate that his body should also be there. We feel very strongly that it was GranMary who received him and we all know that she loved to hold a baby. We are grateful for your love and especially your kind words. Please don't feel bad if you don't know what to say to us. Truth be told we are trying to figure out how to respond given the circumstances, and most of the time we are without words as well. The most comforting words that we are hearing, are "i love you!".
While we are sad our comfort is family, friends, and our beliefs. Joseph's death, while very heartbreaking, gives us something to strive for. Jason and I want to be good enough to have the chance to raise our son in the next life. Having seen his sweet face makes us want to know him. To hold him again.
We are looking forward to happier times ahead, and again we want to thank Super Auntie Barbara for being so great. I know that this distracted from your plans and you didn't hesitate one bit which made a tough time, especially for the boys, a whole lot easier. THANK YOU!!