Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Delivery Date

Today was suppose to be the day that I delivered Joseph. Instead of waking early and going to the hospital I got up early and took a white rose to his graveside. I brushed the snow off and was immediately filled with warmth. He is much loved always.
I miss you son.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Carving Up Some Fun

Our annual Monday before Halloween FHE is pumpkin carving and we had the best time ever. I usually save this activity until the week before Halloween because if you do them to early you end up with a nasty moldy pumpkin and some seriously disappointed trick-or-treaters. We made this mistake as newlyweds, and it will not be repeated.
Michael braved the cold and picked out his pumpkin, a 20 pounder I might add. He really wanted to paint his pumpkin and was absolutely adorable about the whole affair. When he was done he set his pumpkin out to dry and this morning went to "wake it up". I even caught him talking to it. It was hilarious, and went a little something like this:
Michael: I missed you last night
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: I painted you don't you remember?
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: (now speaking in a low voice to the pumpkin, but acting like they are having a conversation)
I thought it was terribly cute that he wanted to protect his new friend from the evil clutches of Samuel the Destroyer ;)
Jarom had a great time pulling pumpkin guts out of the huge family pumpkin. I have to admit that the goo in there was making me a little queasy. ick. Just typing it makes my stomach turn a bit. Anyway, Jarom decided to carve his pumpkin into a TIE Fighter. He is waaaay excited to be a Jedi Knight for Halloween so it just make sense, right? No, okay well then we are on the same page, lol. Jarom's pumpkin was given to him by the PTA since tomorrow is their Harvest Festival. All the pumpkins will be entered into a pumpkin walk and judged. I'm pretty confident that most of the other pumpkins will have either been painted or stuck with Mr.Potato Head parts, smart parents. Jarom had to go old school. He had a great time and that is all that counts.
Jason is still working on his masterpiece so pictures will be coming later. The insider tip is that its going to be a ghost, he could always switch it up who knows. I love experiencing the holidays with my kids. I was never huge on Halloween. I hate to be scared, but my kids make it so fun that its worth all the people dressing ridiculous and trying to scare someone. The boys can't wait to put their costumes on and be transformed into actual Jedi Knights. That part of Halloween is the greatest, morphing into a character and assuming that identity. Good fun. Thankfully it only lasts one day :)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Special Evening

This is a recent photo of Jason's grandma, Grammie Hazel. Many of you have asked about her and she is plugging along. We went to visit her yesterday. She had some work for Jason to do. While we were there Barbara, who visits most Saturdays, mentioned that Grandma's neightbor was coming by tomorrow to give her a blessing. In our Church a blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, if you are familiar with the bible its spoken of in James 5:14-15.
Now Grandma is a baptized member of the LDS religion but has never really praticed, she married a man that was a self-proclaimed atheist. Not to say that either were.are bad people, just not religious in any way. So as you can imagine this news sort of shocked Jason and I. We talked on the way home and Jason was resistant to coming back today to either assist in or be present for the blessing. I think that he has mixed feelings since she hadn't asked for the blessing herself he wondered if it was what she really wanted, yada, yada. In my mind I just kept thinking she never said no and she is VERY capable of saying no to the things that she opposes. I really didn't give him an option I told him that it was important for him to be there and so I just made the plans accordingly.
We left our house about 3pm and drove to Ogden. The boys were in pretty decent moods considering that they know when they are at Grammie's house there is no shortage of rules. Jason was able to explain a blessing to her while we waited for her Bishop to arrive. Four o'clock came and went and her Bishop and Home Teacher were no-shows. Jason called her Home Teacher, who is her neighbor, and asked were he was. His wife said that he was out visiting his aunt. I called her bishop and he didn't even know this had been planned. He, her bishop, contacted another neighbor of hers M.Johnson who was more than happy to assist. He was very nice and reminded me a little of my dad, not to serious, but no to off the wall either. Jason and M.Johnson put their hands on Grammie's head and Jason gave the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard in my entire life. I seriously cried. Jason was inspired to tell Grandma about all the people who love her not only in this life but the next. She was blessed that as the time came for her to choose to leave this life that she would be greeted by those many spirits who love her. But the part that really made me tear up was when she was told about how the Savior loved her and all the physical pain that she feels from her cancer that Jesus bore that exact pain in Gethsemene. He bore it for her because he loves her. In that moment I was reminded how greatly blessed we are to have had such a loving example in our lives. Grandma hardly ever shows emotion. Her neice says its a proud Engelke family trait. However, after this blessing she and I looked at each other, and I felt a real warmth. Grandma's eyes were red. I knew she was about to cry. I have seen that look on her face many times in the last year and a half. Its was that look that I saw when I told her that I felt she had Breast Cancer. It was that look when I told her that Mary had died. It was that look when I told her that her cancer had metastasized. It's a clear view of her raw emotion. I'm pretty sure she had that same look on her face when her own father died of cancer. Grandma has seen, and lived alot, but tonight I think was the first time that she realized that someone has loved her ALWAYS. God. I know this last year and a half has been tough on her. Her beloved son is gone when she needs him most. She has steadily lost nearly all her ability to care for herself, and the things she loves. However, she has never acted like the weight of the world is upon her, but rather bucked up and plugged along. I know that her passing isn't far off. Its a sad reality. Her death will no doubt have me to my knees again and again. I love her so much. She is as loved in my eyes as my own grandmother, who despite herself, was loveable. She is such a caring person, and now I see where Jason's dad learned to be so attentive to his wife. Hazel was FOREVER an attentive wife and mother. She devoted her entire life to the comfort of her family. I hope she feels that its being paid back to her in her advanced age. I hope she realized that she is the crown jewel of the Edwards Family. I pray to have a little more time with her. To hear her nervous giggle one more time or to be told yet another story about how she wanted a particular item and Jack wanted another and of course, she ultimately "didn't care". Of course, when she goes at least I know that she will be greeted by a host of people who have loved her for her entire lifetime and more.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In a heartbeat –
a life is stilled,

a dream dies,

and heaven

becomes amazingly real.

In rememberance of Joseph, and our recent Angel Baby I ask that all my friends and family reading this blog hug their children, thank their parents, and smell a rose or two. Take steps that my children will never take and appreciate this day you have. Life is so short and memories one day will be all that we have. Make some today, remember them with a smile tomorrow!!

*To all those that are remembering their Angel/s my heart and love goes out to you and your family <3

Wave of Light

Please, Please, PLEASE don't forget to light your candles tomorrow at 7pm your time!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Walk To Remember

On Saturday, our family participated in the annual "Walk to Remember" for Utah Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. Utah Share came into our lives only moments after our son Joseph died. If it wasn't for their gentle encouragement I might have missed the only opportunity that I had to hold my son. Marci, was the first to swaddle up Joseph and present him to me like my son. Up to that point my nurse was extremely cautious with how she touched Joseph. She, my nurse, was very respectful of the fragile nature of his body, but Marci made him feel like a real newborn. Utah Share also provides monthly support groups for grieving parents. I will always have a special place in my heart for UtahShare .

Back to the walk, it was in Layton at the Ed Kinley Amphitheater. Despite my doctor's recommendation I knew that I needed to participate. It was a very cold morning, but the boys were all excited to do something in memory of Joseph. It was nice to see them get so excited about walking. Michael was more excited about riding in the stroller and of course, Sam was excited there were balloons. Jarom had a great time hunting through all the names of babies on the back of my shirt to find Joseph's name. There was a short program. A poem was read and a song was sung. To be truthful I was more moved by the poem than the song, but both were presented with love and thats what counts. Once the song was done we all walked the ajoining trail carrying blue, pink, or white balloons. The trail passed by a little pond and the boys loved looking at the ducks and the swans. When we made it back to the seating area they waited for everyone to make it back and then read the names of the babies gone too soon. It was hard to watch the balloons sail away. Each balloon represents a baby gone and a mother's dream on hold. One mother released SEVEN balloons and they weren't from a multiple gestation. I watched her bawl as she let go of the strings. The pain on her face was tangible, her tears so familiar. They got to our babies names and we let our balloons go. I wrote a message and attached to my balloon. I know it seems silly but it felt good to write a letter to my children. It made them more real. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like my loses never happened. Events like this help me to remember and heal.
After the walk, we took the boys to DQ, which they LOVED! We then went to Grammie's and started to winterize her home for her. It was a long, but successful day.
Thank you Share for a wonderful event, and for being such a great support.

Thursday, October 08, 2009


I took this picture a month ago, when I excitedly announced to Jason that we were expecting again. I always wanted to tell him in some really cute way. In all truthfullness, I have never made it out of the bathroom with the test before blurting it out. This time I wanted it to be different. Special. With consideration for all that he has been through I wanted him to have a pleasant surprise for a change. He came home and saw the cupcakes and a note that read, "Thanks for always keeping me 'POSITIVE'!" The look on his face was enough for me. A genuine look of excitement. For anyone who truly loves, to see your spouse with that "look" it sends a jolt through your body. Our new family adventure began that day.
Sadly, that adventure ended today. Just shy of eight weeks long, it was a cautiously hopeful time. I have to thank my dad for injecting into my DNA his "Pollyanna" attitude. If he hadn't given me that genetic gift yesterday would have ruined me. After a night of wrestling with the idea of going to the ER, or waiting it out I decided at 11 am to go to the ER in the town where I live. My symptoms had increased and my doctor was out of town. I marched into the ER, the only patient in sight, with my mother's "get it done" attitude. I gave my information with zero emotion. I hate being a patient! The ER tech tried to draw blood. It was a decent effort given the fact that I had already had two sticks on that arm in 48 hours, and I was dehydrated. The PA came in and asked if I was in any pain. Do that have medicine for a mother losing another child? Is there a pill for a dying dream? The words came out of my mouth, "no, i'm fine." This is the point where I wonder why my mouth betrays me. I routinely allow all the questions, probes, pokes, and comments to wash over me. There is really nothing anyone can do to hurt me. I am starting to realize that a pity-party is forming in my heart. Its like a weight. I think off all the negative experiences that I have had in the last year and a half. I wonder what I did, what I need to learn, where I can change. Lighting strikes! Mindy, I have to actually say my own name, what about all the GOOD that happened this year. What about all the POSTIVES of this year. There are so many and they outweigh all the negative. I literally have to stand back from myself and look at the picture. Right now it feels like I am staring dead in front of a Monet. Its disgusting to look at, the colors make no sense and the balance is off. Of course, if I step back its a " A Pathway in Monet's Garden at Giverny". Rows of beatiful moments shadow a path that I am walking. Am I sad? Yes! Am I down for the count? DEFINETLY NOT! There are so many bright days that a day of rain is no match for. The sun shines again and to quote my mother, "Tomorrow is a new day!" All I have to say is I'm in the mood for tomorrow.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Something Fun

I found myself yesterday morning with the urge to sew something. I have been hesitant to actually sew since late June. At that point, all my focus had been centered around cute baby blankets and other crafts. I went to JoAnn's before the first session of conference and saw this fabric. I immediately thought off all the wonderful handmade blankets that my mil had made for my boys. I found myself getting a little sad that there would be no more blankets sewed with GrandMary's love. We have lots of family and lots of people love my kids, but I cherish a blanket that my Grandma Mollus crocheted for me.
Anyway, this quick blanket was made for my sweet nephew Trevor. He was born one month after Joseph. When I think of him I can't help but think of my little boy as well. So, it took no time to create something with love for him, since I can't make it for mine who is no longer with us. I hope it becomes a much loved cuddle blanket. It's the hug I would give Trevor if he were near. What a special little man.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Check it out!

I have to put a plug in for a crafty and talented friend of mine. She just launched her own site, click here, and well frankly, she's gifted. Her items are all handmade and created with love. My personal favorite are the reuseable snack bags. They are adorable and definitely eco-friendly. These little gems are lined with vinyl, and have a velcro liner. Wipe, use, repeat, ENJOY!