Saturday, December 12, 2009

Happy Birthday NaTaLiE !!!!

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Natalie! I hope that you enjoy 30! I love your sweet face and all that you are and do! You are THE BEST!!!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

More birthday stuff, lots of pics

I wanted to add some additional pictures, so here they are. The flowers were a pre-birthday gift from Jason, and they smell better than they look. I got alot of great gifts; a new CHI flat iron, a Cropadile (for scrappin it up!), a much needed Wilton icing tip, a new Featherweight bag (for cake deco), my super wonderful Flip cam., and my gift to humanity was that I bought myself a pair of Spanx :). I loved everything and especially all the sincere birthday shoutouts on FB have been wonderful, as well as the emails. Thanks so much everyone for making a great birthday exceptional !!!

Happy birthday to ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took this video on my new Flip cam that Jason gave me for my birthday. He followed all of my subtle hints, like "hey I want a Flip for my birthday." and "Jason I would love you to buy me a Flip for my birthday." I know, it seems really forward, but Jason needs the less than subtle hints, and honestly I believe that if you want something you should say it and not just expect your spouse to figure it out. Annnnyway, I have been having a great birthday despite the fact that Sam gave me my present in the form of vomit as I was getting ready to leave for Church. Michael was puklicious yesterday so I asked Jason to keep him home today. I felt awful that they have been sick, but I am prone to believe that it must have been some sort of odd bug, bc after they get sick all the boys have been just fine. I hate seeing my boys sick, especially since they are all such active kids.
I will post pics of my bday cake that I am working on later.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Turkey day

I hope that everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving. Our family went to Ogden to meet up with Aunt B and Uncle Ben. We had our Thanksgiving a little early due to the fact that Ben was on duty that night, he is a Murray City police officer. So instead of dinner we had a magnificent Thanksgiving lunch. It was a little sad to be at Grammie's without her. I could feel her watchful eye over my shoulder as I prepared the mashed potatoes. She was usually in charge of the potatoes and green bean casserole. She was a great cook and she was definitely missed. Ben asked if he could make the turkey since he had never done one before. I have to say that I had zero quams about him doing it. Jason and I have been making it for the last eight years so someone else doing it was a relief :) He did a fantastic job and the turkey turned out wonderful. The kids played games while the adults, I use that term loosely, talked over dessert in the kitchen. As we were talking I thought for just a moment, wait when did we become the adults?? It seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was eating my Thanksgiving meal at the "little kids" table while my brothers squeezed mashed potatoes out of their thin pressed lips.
I can recall all the work that went into Thanksgiving Day at our house growing up. My mom would be up late prepping all the things that went into her amazing stuffing. It wasn't until late in high school that I really learned what went into that stuffing. I won't post it online, but it tastes much better than the ingredients would indicate. My sister and I would clean up the house, while my brothers pretended to be cleaning. When everything was cleared off we would set the table and side buffet. I can remember how warm the smell of the turkey was. My older sister was generally caught picking at the turkey skin claiming that she was just checking for quality purposes. In elementary school, the holidays carried a wonderful feeling. Not only was there no school, but there was also great food, and laughter. I hope that with all that has happened in our last year that my kids still experienced a bit of what its like to be surrounded by loving family and great moments. I pray the memories that we are creating are ones that reflect the true gratefulness we hold for this years opportunities. Never in my life would I have imagined that I would have had a year like this. One that would allow me the opportunity time and again to re-affirm my faith, and my love for the Savior.

I have always like Emerson and I think that he expresses it best when he says,

For flowers that bloom about our feet;
For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet;
For song of bird, and hum of bee;
For all things fair we hear or see,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee!

Everything that we have is a gift. Every moment, every breath, and yes every life that silently ends is a gift. I appreciate all that I have, and all that my Heavenly Father sees in me. Especially the things that I am too clouded to see in myself. Hope. He has some for me so I should have some in Him.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

HaPpY bIrThDaY mIcHaEl !!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th Birthday Monkey-Moo!!! Michael was up bright and early to see what presents he got. For his brithday Michael got two new outfits, Handy Manny's Toolbelt, Legos, and a remote controlled Bounce n' Go racer. He is taking a friend to Toad's, indoor rec area, for some go-kart racing and tons of fun!
We are so happy that you are in our family. You are such a fun little man with lots of energy and smiles. We are excited for all your future birthdays. We love you Moo!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

To Grammie with love

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: 'Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Henry Van Dyke

I found this poem and instantly thought of Grammie Hazel. She was never one to think herself "beautiful", but I found her to be the most beautiful person on the inside. She was a loving grandmother, caring and thoughtful. She recounted a few days ago with Jason about our first meeting in May of 1996. I had nearly forgotten that we asked her to lunch and she was unable to attend. Since then I have laughed with her. Learned from her. Mourned with her. Rejoiced with her. Any finally, just enjoyed her. Serving her as a caretaker was easy because she was so thankful. Sometime there were challenges as she would resist help, not wanting to be a burden. I would tell her that it was no problem, and for her nothing was too difficult to do. In my heart it made me happy to hear that she would not let others help saying, "I'll wait for Mindy." Knowing that she could depend on me felt good. It was when I KNEW that she considered me every bit of family as her own bio grandkids. Not an easy feat. She loved her family and cared about their lives. I have to say that in my heart she has created a template for an attribute that I aspire to, enduring to the end. She would be in agonizing pain and just "buck up". In her last few days her eyes were more telling about the level of pain that she was in, but her mouth wouldn't utter it. As I wiped her tears today all I could say was that I was sorry she hurt. It was difficult to look at her without feeling a wash of overwhelming compassion fill your heart. Truly elect in many ways. She chose to live everyday without complaint. I think that is why up until the very end she could smile. I know she knew she was loved. I hope that she watches over me and my family with love and tells Joseph all about his family on earth. She is beloved to me and will always be my Grammie Hazel.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Delivery Date

Today was suppose to be the day that I delivered Joseph. Instead of waking early and going to the hospital I got up early and took a white rose to his graveside. I brushed the snow off and was immediately filled with warmth. He is much loved always.
I miss you son.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Carving Up Some Fun

Our annual Monday before Halloween FHE is pumpkin carving and we had the best time ever. I usually save this activity until the week before Halloween because if you do them to early you end up with a nasty moldy pumpkin and some seriously disappointed trick-or-treaters. We made this mistake as newlyweds, and it will not be repeated.
Michael braved the cold and picked out his pumpkin, a 20 pounder I might add. He really wanted to paint his pumpkin and was absolutely adorable about the whole affair. When he was done he set his pumpkin out to dry and this morning went to "wake it up". I even caught him talking to it. It was hilarious, and went a little something like this:
Michael: I missed you last night
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: I painted you don't you remember?
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: (now speaking in a low voice to the pumpkin, but acting like they are having a conversation)
I thought it was terribly cute that he wanted to protect his new friend from the evil clutches of Samuel the Destroyer ;)
Jarom had a great time pulling pumpkin guts out of the huge family pumpkin. I have to admit that the goo in there was making me a little queasy. ick. Just typing it makes my stomach turn a bit. Anyway, Jarom decided to carve his pumpkin into a TIE Fighter. He is waaaay excited to be a Jedi Knight for Halloween so it just make sense, right? No, okay well then we are on the same page, lol. Jarom's pumpkin was given to him by the PTA since tomorrow is their Harvest Festival. All the pumpkins will be entered into a pumpkin walk and judged. I'm pretty confident that most of the other pumpkins will have either been painted or stuck with Mr.Potato Head parts, smart parents. Jarom had to go old school. He had a great time and that is all that counts.
Jason is still working on his masterpiece so pictures will be coming later. The insider tip is that its going to be a ghost, he could always switch it up who knows. I love experiencing the holidays with my kids. I was never huge on Halloween. I hate to be scared, but my kids make it so fun that its worth all the people dressing ridiculous and trying to scare someone. The boys can't wait to put their costumes on and be transformed into actual Jedi Knights. That part of Halloween is the greatest, morphing into a character and assuming that identity. Good fun. Thankfully it only lasts one day :)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Special Evening

This is a recent photo of Jason's grandma, Grammie Hazel. Many of you have asked about her and she is plugging along. We went to visit her yesterday. She had some work for Jason to do. While we were there Barbara, who visits most Saturdays, mentioned that Grandma's neightbor was coming by tomorrow to give her a blessing. In our Church a blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, if you are familiar with the bible its spoken of in James 5:14-15.
Now Grandma is a baptized member of the LDS religion but has never really praticed, she married a man that was a self-proclaimed atheist. Not to say that either were.are bad people, just not religious in any way. So as you can imagine this news sort of shocked Jason and I. We talked on the way home and Jason was resistant to coming back today to either assist in or be present for the blessing. I think that he has mixed feelings since she hadn't asked for the blessing herself he wondered if it was what she really wanted, yada, yada. In my mind I just kept thinking she never said no and she is VERY capable of saying no to the things that she opposes. I really didn't give him an option I told him that it was important for him to be there and so I just made the plans accordingly.
We left our house about 3pm and drove to Ogden. The boys were in pretty decent moods considering that they know when they are at Grammie's house there is no shortage of rules. Jason was able to explain a blessing to her while we waited for her Bishop to arrive. Four o'clock came and went and her Bishop and Home Teacher were no-shows. Jason called her Home Teacher, who is her neighbor, and asked were he was. His wife said that he was out visiting his aunt. I called her bishop and he didn't even know this had been planned. He, her bishop, contacted another neighbor of hers M.Johnson who was more than happy to assist. He was very nice and reminded me a little of my dad, not to serious, but no to off the wall either. Jason and M.Johnson put their hands on Grammie's head and Jason gave the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard in my entire life. I seriously cried. Jason was inspired to tell Grandma about all the people who love her not only in this life but the next. She was blessed that as the time came for her to choose to leave this life that she would be greeted by those many spirits who love her. But the part that really made me tear up was when she was told about how the Savior loved her and all the physical pain that she feels from her cancer that Jesus bore that exact pain in Gethsemene. He bore it for her because he loves her. In that moment I was reminded how greatly blessed we are to have had such a loving example in our lives. Grandma hardly ever shows emotion. Her neice says its a proud Engelke family trait. However, after this blessing she and I looked at each other, and I felt a real warmth. Grandma's eyes were red. I knew she was about to cry. I have seen that look on her face many times in the last year and a half. Its was that look that I saw when I told her that I felt she had Breast Cancer. It was that look when I told her that Mary had died. It was that look when I told her that her cancer had metastasized. It's a clear view of her raw emotion. I'm pretty sure she had that same look on her face when her own father died of cancer. Grandma has seen, and lived alot, but tonight I think was the first time that she realized that someone has loved her ALWAYS. God. I know this last year and a half has been tough on her. Her beloved son is gone when she needs him most. She has steadily lost nearly all her ability to care for herself, and the things she loves. However, she has never acted like the weight of the world is upon her, but rather bucked up and plugged along. I know that her passing isn't far off. Its a sad reality. Her death will no doubt have me to my knees again and again. I love her so much. She is as loved in my eyes as my own grandmother, who despite herself, was loveable. She is such a caring person, and now I see where Jason's dad learned to be so attentive to his wife. Hazel was FOREVER an attentive wife and mother. She devoted her entire life to the comfort of her family. I hope she feels that its being paid back to her in her advanced age. I hope she realized that she is the crown jewel of the Edwards Family. I pray to have a little more time with her. To hear her nervous giggle one more time or to be told yet another story about how she wanted a particular item and Jack wanted another and of course, she ultimately "didn't care". Of course, when she goes at least I know that she will be greeted by a host of people who have loved her for her entire lifetime and more.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In a heartbeat –
a life is stilled,

a dream dies,

and heaven

becomes amazingly real.

In rememberance of Joseph, and our recent Angel Baby I ask that all my friends and family reading this blog hug their children, thank their parents, and smell a rose or two. Take steps that my children will never take and appreciate this day you have. Life is so short and memories one day will be all that we have. Make some today, remember them with a smile tomorrow!!

*To all those that are remembering their Angel/s my heart and love goes out to you and your family <3

Wave of Light

Please, Please, PLEASE don't forget to light your candles tomorrow at 7pm your time!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Walk To Remember

On Saturday, our family participated in the annual "Walk to Remember" for Utah Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. Utah Share came into our lives only moments after our son Joseph died. If it wasn't for their gentle encouragement I might have missed the only opportunity that I had to hold my son. Marci, was the first to swaddle up Joseph and present him to me like my son. Up to that point my nurse was extremely cautious with how she touched Joseph. She, my nurse, was very respectful of the fragile nature of his body, but Marci made him feel like a real newborn. Utah Share also provides monthly support groups for grieving parents. I will always have a special place in my heart for UtahShare .

Back to the walk, it was in Layton at the Ed Kinley Amphitheater. Despite my doctor's recommendation I knew that I needed to participate. It was a very cold morning, but the boys were all excited to do something in memory of Joseph. It was nice to see them get so excited about walking. Michael was more excited about riding in the stroller and of course, Sam was excited there were balloons. Jarom had a great time hunting through all the names of babies on the back of my shirt to find Joseph's name. There was a short program. A poem was read and a song was sung. To be truthful I was more moved by the poem than the song, but both were presented with love and thats what counts. Once the song was done we all walked the ajoining trail carrying blue, pink, or white balloons. The trail passed by a little pond and the boys loved looking at the ducks and the swans. When we made it back to the seating area they waited for everyone to make it back and then read the names of the babies gone too soon. It was hard to watch the balloons sail away. Each balloon represents a baby gone and a mother's dream on hold. One mother released SEVEN balloons and they weren't from a multiple gestation. I watched her bawl as she let go of the strings. The pain on her face was tangible, her tears so familiar. They got to our babies names and we let our balloons go. I wrote a message and attached to my balloon. I know it seems silly but it felt good to write a letter to my children. It made them more real. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like my loses never happened. Events like this help me to remember and heal.
After the walk, we took the boys to DQ, which they LOVED! We then went to Grammie's and started to winterize her home for her. It was a long, but successful day.
Thank you Share for a wonderful event, and for being such a great support.

Thursday, October 08, 2009


I took this picture a month ago, when I excitedly announced to Jason that we were expecting again. I always wanted to tell him in some really cute way. In all truthfullness, I have never made it out of the bathroom with the test before blurting it out. This time I wanted it to be different. Special. With consideration for all that he has been through I wanted him to have a pleasant surprise for a change. He came home and saw the cupcakes and a note that read, "Thanks for always keeping me 'POSITIVE'!" The look on his face was enough for me. A genuine look of excitement. For anyone who truly loves, to see your spouse with that "look" it sends a jolt through your body. Our new family adventure began that day.
Sadly, that adventure ended today. Just shy of eight weeks long, it was a cautiously hopeful time. I have to thank my dad for injecting into my DNA his "Pollyanna" attitude. If he hadn't given me that genetic gift yesterday would have ruined me. After a night of wrestling with the idea of going to the ER, or waiting it out I decided at 11 am to go to the ER in the town where I live. My symptoms had increased and my doctor was out of town. I marched into the ER, the only patient in sight, with my mother's "get it done" attitude. I gave my information with zero emotion. I hate being a patient! The ER tech tried to draw blood. It was a decent effort given the fact that I had already had two sticks on that arm in 48 hours, and I was dehydrated. The PA came in and asked if I was in any pain. Do that have medicine for a mother losing another child? Is there a pill for a dying dream? The words came out of my mouth, "no, i'm fine." This is the point where I wonder why my mouth betrays me. I routinely allow all the questions, probes, pokes, and comments to wash over me. There is really nothing anyone can do to hurt me. I am starting to realize that a pity-party is forming in my heart. Its like a weight. I think off all the negative experiences that I have had in the last year and a half. I wonder what I did, what I need to learn, where I can change. Lighting strikes! Mindy, I have to actually say my own name, what about all the GOOD that happened this year. What about all the POSTIVES of this year. There are so many and they outweigh all the negative. I literally have to stand back from myself and look at the picture. Right now it feels like I am staring dead in front of a Monet. Its disgusting to look at, the colors make no sense and the balance is off. Of course, if I step back its a " A Pathway in Monet's Garden at Giverny". Rows of beatiful moments shadow a path that I am walking. Am I sad? Yes! Am I down for the count? DEFINETLY NOT! There are so many bright days that a day of rain is no match for. The sun shines again and to quote my mother, "Tomorrow is a new day!" All I have to say is I'm in the mood for tomorrow.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Something Fun

I found myself yesterday morning with the urge to sew something. I have been hesitant to actually sew since late June. At that point, all my focus had been centered around cute baby blankets and other crafts. I went to JoAnn's before the first session of conference and saw this fabric. I immediately thought off all the wonderful handmade blankets that my mil had made for my boys. I found myself getting a little sad that there would be no more blankets sewed with GrandMary's love. We have lots of family and lots of people love my kids, but I cherish a blanket that my Grandma Mollus crocheted for me.
Anyway, this quick blanket was made for my sweet nephew Trevor. He was born one month after Joseph. When I think of him I can't help but think of my little boy as well. So, it took no time to create something with love for him, since I can't make it for mine who is no longer with us. I hope it becomes a much loved cuddle blanket. It's the hug I would give Trevor if he were near. What a special little man.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Check it out!

I have to put a plug in for a crafty and talented friend of mine. She just launched her own site, click here, and well frankly, she's gifted. Her items are all handmade and created with love. My personal favorite are the reuseable snack bags. They are adorable and definitely eco-friendly. These little gems are lined with vinyl, and have a velcro liner. Wipe, use, repeat, ENJOY!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Greyson's Gift

I've seen alot of Blogs about demise since I lost Joseph. There are lots of women that find amazing ways to reach out after the lost of their child. I came across this blog,click here. I am posting this in honor of her Greyson.

Each new life...
No Matter how fragile or brief...
Forever changes the world.

Posted by Meryntha
I am looking for your help. Hospitals all across the country are in need of small, very small, baby blankets. In cases of fetal demise, babies are so tiny, even the smallest nursery blanket is much too big to wrap around their tiny bodies.

I know how parents feel when they are presented with their tiny baby, for the first and last time. Having to deal with a large blanket that doesn't fit, is a distraction. And, unnecessary.

If you can sew or crotchet/knit, would you please help me to supply blankets for these mothers?

My doctor informed me that 30% of all pregnancies end in fetal demise!

I know we can make a small yet, dramatic difference in the experience these mothers and fathers have in the hospital. It is heartbreaking for the nurses to try and present these tiny babies in the best way possible to grieving parents. They are extremely appreciative of any donations we can give.

If you can sew a straight line you can do this :) Hey, it doesn't even have to be a straight line when you sew it with love. I received some really beautiful blankets when Joseph died. I remember the nurse coming into my room at like 5 am with a soft fleece blanket, creatively edged. She tucked it under my pillow next to my head and said, "the Young Women made this for you." I pretended to sleep while my heart ached. Did they make this blanket specifically for me? no. But I could feel that they made it with love for someone who needed that love.
This is a good cause. If you're looking for something for your axillary to do, this is it! If you just want to do something good on your own, this is it. Hospitals will take donations of ANY number you don't have to have exactly 48 to do this. If you are gifted with crochet this is something that is very nice as well,
Remember a time when you needed love and someone stepped in. The blanket I recieved I slept with for the first two weeks after Joseph's death. It soaked all my tears, and was held to my heart while it ached for missing my son. No gift is overlooked.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Silly Sam

This is so typical, but still soooo funny!

Jarom was beyond excited for the first day of school yesterday. He was, of course, up at the crack of dawn and was more than ready to go by 7 am. I think the most exciting thing to him was being able to eat lunch AT school. Jarom is happy to be back in school and we're happy that he likes school.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Happy Birthday JASON :)

I know that I am late posting this since his birthday was Saturday July 25th, buuut in my defense we have been super busy (at least thats my story ;)) .
Saturday, Jason celebrated his 31st birthday with a super fancy breakfast made by, who else? McDonald's! Anyone who knows Jason knows that he has a deep rooted love for the Sausage McMuffin, much like egg McEdwards. We had lots of fun eating our breakfast and then Jason opened presents. He was so funny to watch open presents, because I'm pretty sure that after 13 years of getting gifts from me he knows what I am going to buy him, lol! He acted surprised. His sister Barbara watched the boys so we could go to The Boondocks and play. We mini-golfed and Jason on his last swing got the golf ball in the kimono dragons mouth and it spit out fire. It was truly awesome. Then we went inside and rode the 4-d roller coaster. As if all that wasn't enough we had gotten some free token so we played video games and Jason won big on Deal or No Deal. I thought it was impossible for the day to get any better, but sure enough Jason took me, on HIS birthday to my favorite scrapbooking store. He truly amazes me everyday. The last thing that I would want to do on my birthday is watch international soccer, but maybe this year i'll have to give it a try since he was so generous with his day.
Through out all our many ups and downs these past few weeks Jason has shown me more love and compassion than I every imagined a human body could demonstrate. He has wrestled with three boys, made dinner, cleaned house, washed laundry, fielded phone calls, organized childcare, confirmed dr. appointments, held me while I cried (countless hours were spent in this pursuit), all this while still maintaining his normal work schedule, and working out his own grief. I always knew that Jason was someone special. There has never been a doubt in my mind that he was perfect for me, but feeling a little like Lois Lane, I never realized that he was a Superman until he showed me. Thanks Jason for all your love and strength! I hope you had a WONDERFUL birthday, and I hope to share many more with you :)


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Learning every day

The last three weeks have been a beautiful blur. My heart feels wonderfully buffered by my support system. I read this list today and thought of all the essential truth it provides. I wish I would have taken it to heart sooner:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

My new heart, the one God gave me after the other one broke :), tells me that its okay to have a simple pleasure kind of life. Before Joseph died I was so focused on all the "stuff" that I had added to my days. Mainly good things: job, kids, church callings, extra kid stuff (soccer, tball, swim lessons, etc), housekeeping, personal enrichment, and anything else I could cram in there. These things in addition to the other things in my life were where I derived a sense of satisfaction for a job well done, or better yet, they made me feel accomplished. After Joseph died I was laying in the hospital bed and all I wanted was my boys. My arms literally ached for them. I wanted to feel their hands in mine, or their small voices whispering " i love you". I wanted to kiss Sam's chubby fingers, enjoy the breadth of Michael's smile, and feel the comfort of Jarom's hugs. My new heart knows that my smallest treasures are my greatest joys. I am re-evaluating the important things to me. I think everyone does this now and again. I feel like that is what is great about the life God gave us you can change your mind or your course however, and whenever you want. I hope that I can look back at this experience in my life in five, ten, or fifteen years from now and say, "that is when I started living my BEST life."
I think that's Joseph's legacy to our family. What a great gift!!!!!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

One Week

I want to use my blog as the forum for telling as many of you as I can that we really appreciate all the kind emails, comments, and sweet thoughts that have come to us in the last week. It has been a really hard, but great week, filled with really sweet moments but some especially difficult lows. On Monday, what I refer to as my "monumental worst day" we had to go to the funeral home and select Joseph's casket and headstone. I wanted to go for nothing more than to be close to my son. They gave us back the blanket he had been swaddled in and they dressed him in clothing that was hand-made by a very thoughtful woman. As you can imagine this was tough. The worst part came after we had made all the arrangements and I started to have a panic attack in the mortuary. My chest hurt so intensely and the room started to spin. I ran for the closest exit. All I could do was sit in my van and bawl. I started to wish that I could talk to Natalie. Luckily, she was thinking of me too and my phone rang. Her sweet tone and kind words were exactly what I needed. When I got home I just had to sleep and thankfully Jason was able to field and make calls. He has become more beloved to me than ANYTHING. I always knew that I loved Jason. Now I know that Jason owns my heart. I think that is another post all on its own :).
Tuesday, we buried Joseph. I couldn't handle the thought of this event to I asked Jason to come with me to the Temple. I wanted to feel light all around me. Goodness, grace and God's mercy was what I needed to feel, and I felt that there. I love my faith, and I am so grateful for my parents giving me the seeds of my faith. I don't think that without it I could handle this experience. I don't know any other person better than God, who lost His beloved son, to walk this path with me. He has carried me, and at times instructed my heart. After, the Temple Jason and I went to the garveside and put down white roses. I did better than I thought I would.
Wedensday, Michael was extremely sick high grade fever, vomitting, and well other less plesant stuff. Oddly, I was so happy to hold him and care for him. Michael's sickness reminded me that, while I should be gentle with my expectations of myself, that I do have three other children and they need their mother. Wedensday was my turning point. God would worry about healing my heart, and I will find a new normal.
Thursday, I spent the day on my newest obession, trying to find the right sculpture, painting, picture, or craft item that I can have to memorialize Joseph. This is a common stage with grieving mothers, obesessing over making sure that your child's memory is never forgotten. Jason and I have decided that those who love us will remember him, but we don't expect them to make as big of a deal out of him as us. I found some really great things and got some wonderful ideas. It was my first time out of the house without Jason, and that was scary. Which surprised me. I love people that is why I chose the profession that I am in, but now the thought of people makes me nervous. I'm sure that to is a grief stage. I hope so. I had to call Jason half way through shopping, which I now don't care for either-Jason's pretty cool with that though. I hated bothering him at work. He had a nasty little deadline, and I didn't want to bother him. He was great about it, of course, I went home after that. I just needed to be in my safe place.
Friday, I went to the florist and got some new flowers for Joseph's graveside. I was happy to be greeted by a baby butterfly that was floating around Joseph's site. I cried, and thanked him for giving me the gift of being his mother. I talked to him for awhile and then drove home. I left with my heart smiling. That's a good day.

That's pretty much what we have done this week. We are again very grateful for the sweet thoughts that have been shared with us. Our hearts are mending and we are finding immense comfort in your support. I truly think that each one of us are God's hands to do for others what He would want. Thanks for putting those hands into action for my family.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Joseph David Lee Edwards

July 3, 2009
12:15 p.m.
4.2 oz

I tried to find a good image, and given his size I didn't want to offend any of our viewers. I wanted to first write and say thank you to all of Jason's siblings for allowing us to bury Joseph at the head of Grandma and Grandpa Edwards grave. I don't think that you can comprehend the measure of comfort that this provides knowing that he isn't just out there all by himself. I know his spirit is with them so it seemed appropriate that his body should also be there. We feel very strongly that it was GranMary who received him and we all know that she loved to hold a baby. We are grateful for your love and especially your kind words. Please don't feel bad if you don't know what to say to us. Truth be told we are trying to figure out how to respond given the circumstances, and most of the time we are without words as well. The most comforting words that we are hearing, are "i love you!".
While we are sad our comfort is family, friends, and our beliefs. Joseph's death, while very heartbreaking, gives us something to strive for. Jason and I want to be good enough to have the chance to raise our son in the next life. Having seen his sweet face makes us want to know him. To hold him again.
We are looking forward to happier times ahead, and again we want to thank Super Auntie Barbara for being so great. I know that this distracted from your plans and you didn't hesitate one bit which made a tough time, especially for the boys, a whole lot easier. THANK YOU!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

First Hair Cut !!

Today, Sam got his first haircut!!! I was planning on waiting until after his birthday. I actually, really hate to have my kids hair cut because then they look so much older to me :(. Anyway, my stylist Kelsey is going on maternity leave next week so I had to act fast ;). Sam cried at first and was gripping onto Jason's shirt like a little kitten. Once he realized that this wasn't actually hurting him and his binkie was securely placed in his mouth he was just fine. In my opinion he looks like a totally different baby. As a treat for his first haircut he also got his first few licks of a lollipop which landed in a hair pile on the floor so he literally on had a few licks!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Funny Sam

I couldn't resist taking this picture of Sam. He had just had dinner and I thought that I cleaned his hands really well, but apparently I hadn't. He just looked so I cute that I could hardly tell myself no to this semi-embarassing picture. Luckily, he was only minutes away from bath time. Tomorrow he gets his first haircut and I am starting to get a little nervous, because he's still so little to me, but as you can tell by the picture he has hair to spare. Lets just hope that is always the case :)

Peace Lily

This post is for my mom who wanted to see the plant that was sent in our family name to the viewing for my mother-in-law. Its hard to tell because the camera is angled down but this plant is actually taller than my 3 yr. old. The plant is also wider than he is tall. He wanted his picture taken with what he called the "plant-tree".
Thanks again for the beautiful plant, family :-)

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Tooth Fairy Frequent "Flyer" Miles

The Tooth Fairy doesn't need a map to our house! On Thursday as we were driving home from the airport Jarom proclaim from the back seat, " I lost a tooth!!!!" We were so excited for him. I have to admit that seeing him wiggle his tooth made me more than a little queasy and it isn't just because I'm pregnant, I think its just nasty-ick! The dental assistant actually told him to wiggle it when I wasn't looking because in the office I was turning green.
All that aside Jarom was eating dinner tonight when he again screamed, "My tooth!!" Now, he's pretty pumped about losing the tooth and getting more money from the tooth fairy, but Jason and I are amp'd about the fact that we don't have to pay a hundred and seventy dollars to have the little sucker pulled!!! At first, Jason's mom thought that a dollar was a little steep to give a kid for a lost tooth since apparently he only recieved a quarter, but a buck beats a heafty dental bill!!
The best part is watching Jarom's amazement at they fact that he is losing teeth. Every milestone that he reaches is a leap for my heart knowing that one day he will be all too grown up.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Gone A Baptizin'

This past weekend Michael decided that he needed to take in a homeless rollie pollie, potato bug, whatever you want to call it. At first, I gave him my standard mom statement,"bugs live outside so lets keep them there." This did not appease him so he thought he would sneak it into his jacket pocket. Hmm...I totally saw that mister. I figured it was a losing battle and offered up one of my jam jars to the cause. Michael went about picking the perfect weed for a home slash food for said bug. Then I noticed so leaves from my rosebush were in the mix, at that point I figured why not as long as he wasn't going to smash the darn thing I was cool. Later, Jarom noticed that there was a jar with a bug in it and asked if he could add one to the mix. Again, why not? I already was outnummbered by both bugs and bug lovers alike. Jarom added his bug and then they promptly forgot about the bugs. This afternoon however they caught a glimpse of the jar and noticed that one of the bugs was "sleeping". So, Jarom took the bug out and fearing for its eternal salvation set about to "baptize" the bug. The conversation went as follow:
J:I baptized my bug!
Mom: What??
J: It was dead so I baptized it.
Michael: Its with Heavenly Father now
Mom: Jarom how did you baptize the bug (at this point I am getting nervous)
Jarom: I held him under water for 14 seconds and then I threw him on the roof!
Mom: (laughing too hard to talk)
Jarom: what? he was dead!!!
Mom: point taken.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


Yesterday, was a big day for any employee where Jason works. Because I'm not 100% on whether or not it violates any rules about blogging about the company I'll just call them "work". Work needed to reduced its workforce and yesterday was the "axe day". We have about fourteen or fifteen people in our neighborhood who work at the same company as Jason. All have different jobs but all are their families breadwinners so to speak. On the floor where Jason resides there were seven people who lost their jobs. Some volunteered others were surprised. I can't imagine what that would have been like to have to go home without a job in a downturned economy. My stomach was in knots until about 9:30 am when Jason emailed me an all clear message. I know that work will be tense for the next couple of years as contracts end and they try to win new ones. Jason LOVES his job and wants to be there FOREVER. I have to say as his wife I love sending him to a job he loves, and is good at. I know that he feels accomplishment as he ends his work day. I wish I could say the same everyday that I leave the hospital ;). Work has been good to our family and what we are carving out here is something that not all families in America have. The chance to live in a small town with all its perks, the county fair being the number one perk to Tremonton. There are things that we hope to change by contributing to the community and growing with it. We will always have Missouri in our hearts, but Tremonton is getting under our skin, in a nice way. To those that lost their jobs yesterday, we wish you the very best, and pray for your quick re-employment! For those that kept their jobs, savor it, give it all you got! We feel blessed by Heavenly Father for helping us to survive this reduction.
Here is hoping that the next cut in the fall is less severe, and that contracts sought for are gained!!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Twilight "the movie"

From this moment on the Twilight movie will be just referred to as, "the movie". I will say that I was VERY nervous to see the movie. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the books and they are soooooo good in my head that I was worried that I would have a difficult time divorcing myself from the book and its movie adaptation. That being said. The movie could have been better. They could have spent a little more money on special effects, not just CGI. The acting was good, don't get me wrong. The ENTIRE cast played their parts really well. For the most part you could see EVERY actor/ess as their character. I need to say that I didn't like some of the artistic liberties that they took. For example, James, Laurent, and Victoria don't kill a guard at the factory, and I was distracted by that. I know why they did it, but it just didn't sit well with me. I know, I know, tiny detail. At one point in the movie I started to wonder if for Stephenie Meyer watching this movie being made was a little like sending your firstborn off to Kindergarten. I would love to ask her that. I am not turned-off to New Moon and am looking forward to Jacob's transformation. Like I said good movie, would love to see them spend a couple extra bucks on special effects. The speed thing for Edward should look a little more flawless, imo! All the HP films have these outstanding effects and Twilight movies would definitely be elevated by this one factor. Oh! and I really liked the pace, regardless of what it left out, you'd be there all day if they were true to the book :-)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Twilight Saga

So it took me exactly four days to rip through these books!!! They were fantastic!!!!!! I can't believe that I hesitated for so long. My patients have been reading these books for some time now and I just didn't seem interested. At first my thought was, "these are kids books". Then I rationialized not reading since they were about vampires and werewolves...umm...okay. I finally couldn't take all the buzzing. I hate when people are all talking about a book and I haven't read it. I feel out of touch. So I decided to go to my local library, which is shaky at best and reserve the one copy of Twlight they had. It came about a week after my reservation and I picked it up. I was in the middle of a so-so book called Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp. I read the first chapter of Twlight and I was HOOKED. I couldn't focus on anything else. Working, eating, breathing all seemed silly if I couldn't get on with the book. Its a beautifully written love story with bite <--pun intended! Stephenie Meyer weaves a great story and unlike J.K. Rowling she doesn't leave a character unexplained. Don't get me wrong J.K. is awesome, but Stephenie is closing ranks. The story is set in Washington town called Forks, with its lush green setting and dreary forcasts. Forks is the perfect town for some "vegetarian" vampires to live and co-habitate with humans. I don't want to give too much away I want everyone who reads these books to soak them up with no preconceived notions. They are magical like a Rowlings book, inherently lovely like an Austen story, and fun to read in a way that is so very Stephenie Meyer. Besides who can't appreciate a book by a Cougar (Rise and Shout!)!!!!!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Touched By An Angel

Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Maya Angelou

Thanks Jason, Jarom, Michael, and Samuel! Also, thanks Maya for putting my exact thoughts into words.



I don't want to give out to many details since my blog isn't private, buuuut I had to share a photo of my newest niece Sarah! We have been waiting for her for quite sometime now and after all the prayers here she is :-)
She is proof that God hears our prayers and answers in His time when it works into His plan. I am so grateful to Grandpa Mickey for the photos. I am sure that the Bransons are on cloud nine along with my parents and the newest Mollus parents!! Enjoy her guys! Draw in every sweet breath, and bathe in every gentle smile. She is litle for now. I have to say that I am excited for you two to have all the learning experiences that being a parent affords you. For me being a parent is an instant connection to Heaven. A newfound partnership with a loving Heavenly Father. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but seal it in your heart, cherish it! We love you and want to congratulate your sweet little family on a job well done!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

FHE- on Tuesday :-)

This weeks Family Home Evening was really fun. We talked about keeping our house in order, and how when we have a clean home we are all happier and the Spirit can be felt. Our general rule is to pick up what you can when you can, and leave the rest for saturday when our usual house cleaning day is. However, I can't think when my house is too cluttered. It is so liberating to get rid of junk, and yes we ALL have junk in our house that we really can do without. So, for the activity the boys built their own house, well more exactly a bunny hutch since that is what Wilton had to offer. They got to decorate it with candies, and frosting. It even came with three little bunnies that we names appropriately after each of them. One bunny is going into the house so that is why it looks like there is one with no face, lol! We talked about a job chart, following it, and consequences for not doing your job. The thought of not picking up after them is like heaven to me. They sometimes are good about making sure that their clothes are picked up, and of course, when Jarom wants to earn a few bucks he'll ask to clean his bathroom. I would love for the cleaning to be instinctive. I realize that they are still little and learning, but a mom can dream, right?