Happy Valentine's Day !

Happy Valentine's Day all!! we hope that everyone is having a wonderful day remembering the people they love and what they love about them. The boys all got cookies with their names on them and Jason got some yummy Ande's mints. My sweet husband of course, bought me a dozen red roses. As beautiful as the roses are I am more excited about the delicious dinner that Jason is making. We are thinking about all of our family today as we center our thoughts around all the wonderful people in our lives. Those that are here and those that are past. I think fond memories and chocolate go well together, how about you?

Lawrence Welk

I remember going over to my grandma's house on sunday and she would flip on PBS. Across the screen was a full band playing the opening to a grandma-friendly program, Lawrence Welk. I'm not entirely convienced that she actually LIKED that show, but I knew it wasn't the same as when she would turn to Golden Girls just to make my dad uncomfortable. Anyway, the first time that I saw this spoof on SNL I nearly peed my pants laughing so hard. Take a second and savor this take on a classic family program.

Oh! and the bubbles at the end are my favorite :)

Happy Birthday JaRoM !!!!

Happy Birthday to our bright, and brillant biggest brother!!! We are so happy to have Jarom in our family. He is an excellent helper, great friend, and loving member of our family. We can hardly believe that Jarom is 7 today. It feels like just yesterday we were having him, and thanking Heavenly Father for such an easy baby. We can't wait until next year comes and He can get "Batman-tized" :)
We love you Jarom enjoy this special day !!!!!!!
<3
Mom, Dad, Michael, Sam, and

Happy Groundhogs Day!

Puxatawney Phil saw his shadow and the sentence is six more weeks of winter. Of course, we were excited to see Phil it means that its Jarom's bday (post to come). I wonder how much stock we should take it his prediction. Anyway, here is a link for the kids.

Oh! and a shout out to "uncle" Joe since its his bday too. Nat, pass that on ;)

The Hap Ki Do Kid

Jarom passed his yellow belt test!!! He was so excited to not have to wear the white belt anymore. He lovingly passed that on to Michael who must now refer to Jarom as "sensei". Jarom is having alot of fun and learning lots about discipline in sports. He loves to "practice" his moves on Michael, at least thats what he calls it when he gets caught! Michael has decided that he wants to quit tumbling classes and go to Hap Ki Do, despite the fact that he would be the youngest and smallest person in class and the chance of getting kicked on accident are pretty high. We shall see. I wasn't sure that Hap Ki Do would offer the same benefits as Karate, but for Jarom it has. He is learning about confidence, respect, and control. All the things that we were hoping for. He loves his instructor and enjoys learning every week.

Year End Letter

Formerly, known as the "Christmas Letter". I tried really hard to get these out before we left for our trip, post to come, but it didn't happen with all my letters. My family in MO. didn't get their letters so that is why I am posting it on my blog. It would probably have been more "green" to only post it here, but that didn't happen either so maybe next year, lol! So here it is:

It never seems to fail that every December I think to myself, “Wow! This year has gone by quickly.” It’s that time again to publish the yearly family letter. I promise that none of our children found a cure for cancer or flew to the moon on a rocket they built out of macaroni and glue. This won’t be that kind of Christmas letter.
I will give a quick rundown on what the Edwards Family, Utah branch, has been up to. Jason is continuing his work at ATK Launch Systems and enjoying every opportunity to use his skills to do what he loves. Mindy decided this fall to reduce her work schedule at McKay Dee Women’s Imaging in favor of spending more time with the boys. Jarom (6 ½) is enjoying the 1st grade. He lost his first tooth this year and we had to convince him that pulling his teeth out would in fact NOT be a lucrative business move. Michael (4) is a joy to have around, but definitely keeps Mindy busy. He is happily taking a tumbling class and says he feels like a “Jedi Knight” when he jumps on the mats. Samuel (18m) has really grown. I guess that’s what you expect from a baby, huh? He has learned to walk and is jabbering away. I wonder where he got that gift of gab…hmmm.
As many of you are aware our family has experienced many losses this year. In May, Jason’s mother passed away as a result of long battle with various health concerns. In July, our son, Joseph, was born seventeen weeks early, and still. November brought us the loss of one more loved one as Jason’s grandmother passed away from breast cancer. I write this to neither sadden, nor make anyone feel pity for us, but rather to say to all the many people who prayed for our family and shared your love with us, “Thank You!” We have felt so strongly Christian love for our family. We can bear witness that with each loving act we felt the love of our Savior and our Heavenly Father for us. His Spirit worked through many and your kindnesses will never be forgotten.
We pray that as the New Year begins you and your families may be blessed with good health and many opportunities to enjoy your loved ones.

Speak UP!

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Happy Birthday NaTaLiE !!!!

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday Natalie! I hope that you enjoy 30! I love your sweet face and all that you are and do! You are THE BEST!!!

More birthday stuff, lots of pics

I wanted to add some additional pictures, so here they are. The flowers were a pre-birthday gift from Jason, and they smell better than they look. I got alot of great gifts; a new CHI flat iron, a Cropadile (for scrappin it up!), a much needed Wilton icing tip, a new Featherweight bag (for cake deco), my super wonderful Flip cam., and my gift to humanity was that I bought myself a pair of Spanx :). I loved everything and especially all the sincere birthday shoutouts on FB have been wonderful, as well as the emails. Thanks so much everyone for making a great birthday exceptional !!!

Happy birthday to ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took this video on my new Flip cam that Jason gave me for my birthday. He followed all of my subtle hints, like "hey I want a Flip for my birthday." and "Jason I would love you to buy me a Flip for my birthday." I know, it seems really forward, but Jason needs the less than subtle hints, and honestly I believe that if you want something you should say it and not just expect your spouse to figure it out. Annnnyway, I have been having a great birthday despite the fact that Sam gave me my present in the form of vomit as I was getting ready to leave for Church. Michael was puklicious yesterday so I asked Jason to keep him home today. I felt awful that they have been sick, but I am prone to believe that it must have been some sort of odd bug, bc after they get sick all the boys have been just fine. I hate seeing my boys sick, especially since they are all such active kids.
I will post pics of my bday cake that I am working on later.

Turkey day

I hope that everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving. Our family went to Ogden to meet up with Aunt B and Uncle Ben. We had our Thanksgiving a little early due to the fact that Ben was on duty that night, he is a Murray City police officer. So instead of dinner we had a magnificent Thanksgiving lunch. It was a little sad to be at Grammie's without her. I could feel her watchful eye over my shoulder as I prepared the mashed potatoes. She was usually in charge of the potatoes and green bean casserole. She was a great cook and she was definitely missed. Ben asked if he could make the turkey since he had never done one before. I have to say that I had zero quams about him doing it. Jason and I have been making it for the last eight years so someone else doing it was a relief :) He did a fantastic job and the turkey turned out wonderful. The kids played games while the adults, I use that term loosely, talked over dessert in the kitchen. As we were talking I thought for just a moment, wait when did we become the adults?? It seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was eating my Thanksgiving meal at the "little kids" table while my brothers squeezed mashed potatoes out of their thin pressed lips.
I can recall all the work that went into Thanksgiving Day at our house growing up. My mom would be up late prepping all the things that went into her amazing stuffing. It wasn't until late in high school that I really learned what went into that stuffing. I won't post it online, but it tastes much better than the ingredients would indicate. My sister and I would clean up the house, while my brothers pretended to be cleaning. When everything was cleared off we would set the table and side buffet. I can remember how warm the smell of the turkey was. My older sister was generally caught picking at the turkey skin claiming that she was just checking for quality purposes. In elementary school, the holidays carried a wonderful feeling. Not only was there no school, but there was also great food, and laughter. I hope that with all that has happened in our last year that my kids still experienced a bit of what its like to be surrounded by loving family and great moments. I pray the memories that we are creating are ones that reflect the true gratefulness we hold for this years opportunities. Never in my life would I have imagined that I would have had a year like this. One that would allow me the opportunity time and again to re-affirm my faith, and my love for the Savior.

I have always like Emerson and I think that he expresses it best when he says,

For flowers that bloom about our feet;
For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet;
For song of bird, and hum of bee;
For all things fair we hear or see,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee!


Everything that we have is a gift. Every moment, every breath, and yes every life that silently ends is a gift. I appreciate all that I have, and all that my Heavenly Father sees in me. Especially the things that I am too clouded to see in myself. Hope. He has some for me so I should have some in Him.

HaPpY bIrThDaY mIcHaEl !!!!!!!!!

Happy 4th Birthday Monkey-Moo!!! Michael was up bright and early to see what presents he got. For his brithday Michael got two new outfits, Handy Manny's Toolbelt, Legos, and a remote controlled Bounce n' Go racer. He is taking a friend to Toad's, indoor rec area, for some go-kart racing and tons of fun!
We are so happy that you are in our family. You are such a fun little man with lots of energy and smiles. We are excited for all your future birthdays. We love you Moo!

To Grammie with love

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: 'Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Henry Van Dyke

I found this poem and instantly thought of Grammie Hazel. She was never one to think herself "beautiful", but I found her to be the most beautiful person on the inside. She was a loving grandmother, caring and thoughtful. She recounted a few days ago with Jason about our first meeting in May of 1996. I had nearly forgotten that we asked her to lunch and she was unable to attend. Since then I have laughed with her. Learned from her. Mourned with her. Rejoiced with her. Any finally, just enjoyed her. Serving her as a caretaker was easy because she was so thankful. Sometime there were challenges as she would resist help, not wanting to be a burden. I would tell her that it was no problem, and for her nothing was too difficult to do. In my heart it made me happy to hear that she would not let others help saying, "I'll wait for Mindy." Knowing that she could depend on me felt good. It was when I KNEW that she considered me every bit of family as her own bio grandkids. Not an easy feat. She loved her family and cared about their lives. I have to say that in my heart she has created a template for an attribute that I aspire to, enduring to the end. She would be in agonizing pain and just "buck up". In her last few days her eyes were more telling about the level of pain that she was in, but her mouth wouldn't utter it. As I wiped her tears today all I could say was that I was sorry she hurt. It was difficult to look at her without feeling a wash of overwhelming compassion fill your heart. Truly elect in many ways. She chose to live everyday without complaint. I think that is why up until the very end she could smile. I know she knew she was loved. I hope that she watches over me and my family with love and tells Joseph all about his family on earth. She is beloved to me and will always be my Grammie Hazel.

Delivery Date

Today was suppose to be the day that I delivered Joseph. Instead of waking early and going to the hospital I got up early and took a white rose to his graveside. I brushed the snow off and was immediately filled with warmth. He is much loved always.
I miss you son.

Carving Up Some Fun

Our annual Monday before Halloween FHE is pumpkin carving and we had the best time ever. I usually save this activity until the week before Halloween because if you do them to early you end up with a nasty moldy pumpkin and some seriously disappointed trick-or-treaters. We made this mistake as newlyweds, and it will not be repeated.
Michael braved the cold and picked out his pumpkin, a 20 pounder I might add. He really wanted to paint his pumpkin and was absolutely adorable about the whole affair. When he was done he set his pumpkin out to dry and this morning went to "wake it up". I even caught him talking to it. It was hilarious, and went a little something like this:
Michael: I missed you last night
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: I painted you don't you remember?
Pumpkin: (silence)
Michael: (now speaking in a low voice to the pumpkin, but acting like they are having a conversation)
I thought it was terribly cute that he wanted to protect his new friend from the evil clutches of Samuel the Destroyer ;)
Jarom had a great time pulling pumpkin guts out of the huge family pumpkin. I have to admit that the goo in there was making me a little queasy. ick. Just typing it makes my stomach turn a bit. Anyway, Jarom decided to carve his pumpkin into a TIE Fighter. He is waaaay excited to be a Jedi Knight for Halloween so it just make sense, right? No, okay well then we are on the same page, lol. Jarom's pumpkin was given to him by the PTA since tomorrow is their Harvest Festival. All the pumpkins will be entered into a pumpkin walk and judged. I'm pretty confident that most of the other pumpkins will have either been painted or stuck with Mr.Potato Head parts, smart parents. Jarom had to go old school. He had a great time and that is all that counts.
Jason is still working on his masterpiece so pictures will be coming later. The insider tip is that its going to be a ghost, he could always switch it up who knows. I love experiencing the holidays with my kids. I was never huge on Halloween. I hate to be scared, but my kids make it so fun that its worth all the people dressing ridiculous and trying to scare someone. The boys can't wait to put their costumes on and be transformed into actual Jedi Knights. That part of Halloween is the greatest, morphing into a character and assuming that identity. Good fun. Thankfully it only lasts one day :)

Special Evening

This is a recent photo of Jason's grandma, Grammie Hazel. Many of you have asked about her and she is plugging along. We went to visit her yesterday. She had some work for Jason to do. While we were there Barbara, who visits most Saturdays, mentioned that Grandma's neightbor was coming by tomorrow to give her a blessing. In our Church a blessing given by a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing. If the blessing is for the sick, if you are familiar with the bible its spoken of in James 5:14-15.
Now Grandma is a baptized member of the LDS religion but has never really praticed, she married a man that was a self-proclaimed atheist. Not to say that either were.are bad people, just not religious in any way. So as you can imagine this news sort of shocked Jason and I. We talked on the way home and Jason was resistant to coming back today to either assist in or be present for the blessing. I think that he has mixed feelings since she hadn't asked for the blessing herself he wondered if it was what she really wanted, yada, yada. In my mind I just kept thinking she never said no and she is VERY capable of saying no to the things that she opposes. I really didn't give him an option I told him that it was important for him to be there and so I just made the plans accordingly.
We left our house about 3pm and drove to Ogden. The boys were in pretty decent moods considering that they know when they are at Grammie's house there is no shortage of rules. Jason was able to explain a blessing to her while we waited for her Bishop to arrive. Four o'clock came and went and her Bishop and Home Teacher were no-shows. Jason called her Home Teacher, who is her neighbor, and asked were he was. His wife said that he was out visiting his aunt. I called her bishop and he didn't even know this had been planned. He, her bishop, contacted another neighbor of hers M.Johnson who was more than happy to assist. He was very nice and reminded me a little of my dad, not to serious, but no to off the wall either. Jason and M.Johnson put their hands on Grammie's head and Jason gave the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard in my entire life. I seriously cried. Jason was inspired to tell Grandma about all the people who love her not only in this life but the next. She was blessed that as the time came for her to choose to leave this life that she would be greeted by those many spirits who love her. But the part that really made me tear up was when she was told about how the Savior loved her and all the physical pain that she feels from her cancer that Jesus bore that exact pain in Gethsemene. He bore it for her because he loves her. In that moment I was reminded how greatly blessed we are to have had such a loving example in our lives. Grandma hardly ever shows emotion. Her neice says its a proud Engelke family trait. However, after this blessing she and I looked at each other, and I felt a real warmth. Grandma's eyes were red. I knew she was about to cry. I have seen that look on her face many times in the last year and a half. Its was that look that I saw when I told her that I felt she had Breast Cancer. It was that look when I told her that Mary had died. It was that look when I told her that her cancer had metastasized. It's a clear view of her raw emotion. I'm pretty sure she had that same look on her face when her own father died of cancer. Grandma has seen, and lived alot, but tonight I think was the first time that she realized that someone has loved her ALWAYS. God. I know this last year and a half has been tough on her. Her beloved son is gone when she needs him most. She has steadily lost nearly all her ability to care for herself, and the things she loves. However, she has never acted like the weight of the world is upon her, but rather bucked up and plugged along. I know that her passing isn't far off. Its a sad reality. Her death will no doubt have me to my knees again and again. I love her so much. She is as loved in my eyes as my own grandmother, who despite herself, was loveable. She is such a caring person, and now I see where Jason's dad learned to be so attentive to his wife. Hazel was FOREVER an attentive wife and mother. She devoted her entire life to the comfort of her family. I hope she feels that its being paid back to her in her advanced age. I hope she realized that she is the crown jewel of the Edwards Family. I pray to have a little more time with her. To hear her nervous giggle one more time or to be told yet another story about how she wanted a particular item and Jack wanted another and of course, she ultimately "didn't care". Of course, when she goes at least I know that she will be greeted by a host of people who have loved her for her entire lifetime and more.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In a heartbeat –
a life is stilled,

a dream dies,

and heaven

becomes amazingly real.

In rememberance of Joseph, and our recent Angel Baby I ask that all my friends and family reading this blog hug their children, thank their parents, and smell a rose or two. Take steps that my children will never take and appreciate this day you have. Life is so short and memories one day will be all that we have. Make some today, remember them with a smile tomorrow!!

*To all those that are remembering their Angel/s my heart and love goes out to you and your family <3

Wave of Light

Please, Please, PLEASE don't forget to light your candles tomorrow at 7pm your time!!!

Walk To Remember

On Saturday, our family participated in the annual "Walk to Remember" for Utah Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. Utah Share came into our lives only moments after our son Joseph died. If it wasn't for their gentle encouragement I might have missed the only opportunity that I had to hold my son. Marci, was the first to swaddle up Joseph and present him to me like my son. Up to that point my nurse was extremely cautious with how she touched Joseph. She, my nurse, was very respectful of the fragile nature of his body, but Marci made him feel like a real newborn. Utah Share also provides monthly support groups for grieving parents. I will always have a special place in my heart for UtahShare .

Back to the walk, it was in Layton at the Ed Kinley Amphitheater. Despite my doctor's recommendation I knew that I needed to participate. It was a very cold morning, but the boys were all excited to do something in memory of Joseph. It was nice to see them get so excited about walking. Michael was more excited about riding in the stroller and of course, Sam was excited there were balloons. Jarom had a great time hunting through all the names of babies on the back of my shirt to find Joseph's name. There was a short program. A poem was read and a song was sung. To be truthful I was more moved by the poem than the song, but both were presented with love and thats what counts. Once the song was done we all walked the ajoining trail carrying blue, pink, or white balloons. The trail passed by a little pond and the boys loved looking at the ducks and the swans. When we made it back to the seating area they waited for everyone to make it back and then read the names of the babies gone too soon. It was hard to watch the balloons sail away. Each balloon represents a baby gone and a mother's dream on hold. One mother released SEVEN balloons and they weren't from a multiple gestation. I watched her bawl as she let go of the strings. The pain on her face was tangible, her tears so familiar. They got to our babies names and we let our balloons go. I wrote a message and attached to my balloon. I know it seems silly but it felt good to write a letter to my children. It made them more real. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like my loses never happened. Events like this help me to remember and heal.
After the walk, we took the boys to DQ, which they LOVED! We then went to Grammie's and started to winterize her home for her. It was a long, but successful day.
Thank you Share for a wonderful event, and for being such a great support.

Untitled

I took this picture a month ago, when I excitedly announced to Jason that we were expecting again. I always wanted to tell him in some really cute way. In all truthfullness, I have never made it out of the bathroom with the test before blurting it out. This time I wanted it to be different. Special. With consideration for all that he has been through I wanted him to have a pleasant surprise for a change. He came home and saw the cupcakes and a note that read, "Thanks for always keeping me 'POSITIVE'!" The look on his face was enough for me. A genuine look of excitement. For anyone who truly loves, to see your spouse with that "look" it sends a jolt through your body. Our new family adventure began that day.
Sadly, that adventure ended today. Just shy of eight weeks long, it was a cautiously hopeful time. I have to thank my dad for injecting into my DNA his "Pollyanna" attitude. If he hadn't given me that genetic gift yesterday would have ruined me. After a night of wrestling with the idea of going to the ER, or waiting it out I decided at 11 am to go to the ER in the town where I live. My symptoms had increased and my doctor was out of town. I marched into the ER, the only patient in sight, with my mother's "get it done" attitude. I gave my information with zero emotion. I hate being a patient! The ER tech tried to draw blood. It was a decent effort given the fact that I had already had two sticks on that arm in 48 hours, and I was dehydrated. The PA came in and asked if I was in any pain. Do that have medicine for a mother losing another child? Is there a pill for a dying dream? The words came out of my mouth, "no, i'm fine." This is the point where I wonder why my mouth betrays me. I routinely allow all the questions, probes, pokes, and comments to wash over me. There is really nothing anyone can do to hurt me. I am starting to realize that a pity-party is forming in my heart. Its like a weight. I think off all the negative experiences that I have had in the last year and a half. I wonder what I did, what I need to learn, where I can change. Lighting strikes! Mindy, I have to actually say my own name, what about all the GOOD that happened this year. What about all the POSTIVES of this year. There are so many and they outweigh all the negative. I literally have to stand back from myself and look at the picture. Right now it feels like I am staring dead in front of a Monet. Its disgusting to look at, the colors make no sense and the balance is off. Of course, if I step back its a " A Pathway in Monet's Garden at Giverny". Rows of beatiful moments shadow a path that I am walking. Am I sad? Yes! Am I down for the count? DEFINETLY NOT! There are so many bright days that a day of rain is no match for. The sun shines again and to quote my mother, "Tomorrow is a new day!" All I have to say is I'm in the mood for tomorrow.